I fucking hate my fiance

All I wanted

All I wanted to do tonight was go out, have a good time and come home, get intimate with my girl. Instead, she has to fuck that up by inviting her friends back to our house at midnight on a wednesday. If said friends were a little more open minded, that could be a Penthouse letter, but alas, they are not. So, fuck you, the one night we get to spend together, have a few drinks together and have a generally good time your girlfriends manage to ruin. Thanks for not seeing that. I'm glad you get to spend a little time with your friend that is in from oh so far away (I hardly see mine and they are all within 20 miles of our home...scratch that, it's a house, we've yet to make it a home). And sure, you can throw it out there like my friends are only MY friends, but they're OUR friends, if you werent so ignorant you'd realize that. Your friends are exactly that, yours. I wouldnt spend a second of time with them if you werent around. I see your relationship with my friends as slightly different. I never asked you to do the things you do, you volunteer to do them. I know I'm a shitty son for not getting my mother anything, and she knows the same. I am selfish, I am cruel, I am sorry that I'm not the person you want me to be. I wish I could be, but I'm not sure I can. I'm sorry.

You deserve better than this...

empty kegs and broken eggs

I am angry. I'm never really sure why, but it seems like that is the only emotion, only feeling left in me. That's not to say that I don't still have my other feelings but it is certainly the most dominant in my head. Between work, classes that I don't want to be in, and a relationship that I don't feel like I can trust(even though I have to reason not to believe that or feel it) I just cannot be happy. Coming into the winter in Illinois some people may call it Seasonal Affect Disorder (how ironic that the acronym is SAD), where due to changes in light exposure and time difference people develop depression like syndromes in the winter. Maybe that's it, or maybe its my long standing feelings of loneliness. Or I think I can do better. I don't know. I'll try to keep up on here and figure it out.

To the 4 people that have viewed any of what I've put down on this blog, thanks I guess.

headache, heart break and noisy bikes

STOP TALKING TO HIM. for today, tomorrow, ever... it'll be for the best.

headache, heart break and noisy bikes

STOP talking to him. Now, tomorrow, forever. There will come a day that he will get what he deserves, and i'll be there to deliver it.

Been a while

Well, it's been a while, but i guess I'll post up again here. Recently I've decided what direction my life is going to take. I'm going into law enforcement, I'm going to marry Jamie, I'm going to keep racing, I'm going to keep working, I'm going to do what I do and enjoy the hell out of my life. Driving to WCC this mornign something triggered my memory of this blog. I miss it, even though I didnt post much on here ever. I'm really not all that bright, not all that smart, dont really think that I can change the workld, but I'm gong to try to keep up here a little more.

Long week

Wed. Jamie's dad's girlfriend's mom died. Only met the woman once at Thanksgiving, but she seemd very cool, very sweet and to be a great woman. Knocked my stupid ex's current boyfriend around the same evening. Last night, thursday, John's grandpa was taken off life support and passed at 3:25AM. So, we're going racing tonight, a funeral tomorrow morning and waiting to hear on the services for John's grandma.